I have flattened out. Fizzled out. Became bland. Ordinary. Average.
I feel like all the creativity inside of me just got sucked out lately.
And that’s not ME. I love being busy. Busy with projects. Busy with life. Busy with fun.
I really need to re-invent myself. I need to get the spark. I need my mojo back.
I think it’s EASY to lose yourself in your child, especially in the first few month. I think it’s NORMAL to lose yourself in your child. I think it’s NECESSARY.
It is SO easy to become a couch potato, not wanting to get out of the house and go anywhere, because it is JUST. TOO. HARD.
So easy to do the same damn thing every day because you’re a “stay at home” mom.
Well, I want to be a HAVE FUN AT HOME MOM. I want to come up with a ton of fun activities. I want to be the kind of role model for Alexis who does everything and anything with energy and excitement. I need to get back into being creative.
I think it is time for me to re-invent MY life WITH the child in it.
I have a few projects on my mind and in the works. Photography projects. Blog projects. Website Projects.
I feel I am finally at the point where I can take more on (I always giggle when I say “more on”. Say it with me!)
I need to write better stuff. I’ve really sucked at writing lately. I just don’t have the words for everything that goes on through my mind. And I am not the poetic type, I just can’t write like that. Not unless I get uninterruped HOURS to think and write, write, write. I don’t have that.
And when I do have the words, fabulous insightful inspired AND inspirational ones, I am in no position to write them down. They come to me in the shower, at night, when I am playing with Lexi, while I am putting her to sleep. Any time BUT when I am at the computer.
Then there is the aspect of being in a completely different realm of blogging. Mommy blogging… Ugh! I shudder at that word. I picture a green old minivan with mom blue jeans and an oversized T-shirt clearly received for free at some camp 20 years ago. {Though I think Mommy Blogging IS slowly redefining itself to be more fabulous, more young and fun due to awesome bloggers out there}
It was much easier BEFORE mommyhood. Things weren’t so sensitive, so controversial. I find myself second guessing what I am writing just so that I wouldn’t accidentally offend anyone. Yuck! I hate that. I like honesty, I like real feelings, I like taking responsibility for your own decisions without looking at anyone else’s. So I constantly have this battle going on. If I write honestly, I will inadvertently piss off someone who made a different choice ( why do people get all sensitive when you talk about your own choices that are different from theirs? I will never know. It’s gotta be a “mom” thing, because I have never experienced anything of this magnitude). If I try to avoid touchy subjects (breastfeeding & formula, CIO &WIO, co-sleeping, spanking, TV, and so on), then there will be nothing to write about, or the whole honesty & “this is what motherhood is all about for me” thing goes out the window. And finally, that is just not me. I rarely care what people think. Noone SHOULD care what others think, especially when it comes to their parenting. It’s not a community thing, it’s a personal thing.
So the only way to stay true to myself is to write EXACTLY how I feel. Regardless of the fall out, regardless of all the unrealized feelings others might have, just write. Like I am right now. This is what I am feeling RIGHT NOW. For better or for worse.
Then there’s the photography aspect of the blog. I’d like to look back at this time and see tons of photos. I love photography, I love the stories pictures tell. I want it to be a big part of my blog. But I struggle with whether I should write a post with photos only, or actually put some inconsequential words into it as a filler or write some “inspirational” mumbo jumbo. But then it just seems forced, doesn’t it?
Then there’s the educational /sharing “look what I read/found/bought” aspect. I love that aspect. I love sharing with people. I get so excited about new finds, new reads, new products, new things we love. This one is pretty much solely for those readers who appreciate the finds, as well as the satisfaction of sharing something awesome with others. Some of my favorite posts of bloggers I read are the ones where they talk about things they use, activities they do, books they read. I learn and discover so much through those.
So I guess what I am trying to say… ( and don’t get me wrong, this post is being written solely because I NEED to express my feelings right now to understand where I stand, that’s what journals are for) is I am looking to bring back the real ME. The one that is spontaneous, fun, active, honest, direct, friendly, confident, creative. I’ve always BEEN those things but for the last 8 months, it’s been toned down. For the last 8 months, there’s been very little old ME. And it was supposed to be that way. I wanted it that way. But now I am taking the old ME back and making it NEW.
So (and I am coming up with this shit as I write) from now on…
- I will post photos for the sake of photos, because I want to.
- I will post reviews and finds and share some of our favorite things, because I want to. And because I think all new and old moms should share things that work for them and their babies.
- I will host giveaways, because I get such a kick out of being able to give something for free to one of my readers, because, honestly, you guys ROCK and it is the only tangible thing I can give you! You put a smile on my face with your emails and your comments.
- I will write about the sucky parts of being a new mom, the awesome parts of being a new mom, the boring parts of being a mom and the fun ones.
- I will write about my decisions as a part of being a parent, my thoughts behind them, my sources. Sometimes I will write about my thoughts and decisions and NOT cite my sources. Because I just don’t care to dig through tens of books I read each months to find them. I know what I know, and that’s good enough for me.
- And when I feel the urge to second guess myself, I will come back to this post and remind myself why I need to continue being honest. I could never live a pretend life- too much work. I need to be honest and true to myself because that is the only way to live life. Because it feels good, it feels right. No excuses, no apologies , no catering to others. Just me, my feelings, my life.
Ahhhhh! This feels good. I like this. My new “ME” posts will start in a few weeks as soon as the written and scheduled posts are done 🙂
Hope you also had a fabulous weekend full of realizations and self-discoveries, plans for the future and empowerment.
Love your honesty! I seriously look forward to your posts. You always have wonderful things to share and say. It also helps that you have a STINKING cute baby. I love chubby babies. My little boy is a month and almost 2 weeks old and he’s a chubs baby too. 🙂 Anyway, I understand what you mean by losing yourself into your baby. That’s what I am kind of going through right now. It’s so refreshing to read what you had to say because it is HOW I feel. I crave to do things that I was able to do before my little boy–not that I don’t love him or do not appreciate having him here because I truly do yet at the same time, I need ME time especially as a stay at home mom. I look forward what you have to share in posts yet to come!
Looking forward to seeing your honest and true to yourself new posts. Curious, are you a SAHM? I thought you said a while back that you still work in the business with your husband?
I don’t know if you’ll see much difference in my posts since it has more to do with how I FEEL about them. I’ve always been super honest but also tried to second guess myself. Done with that now.
Re:SAHM, at this point I am. I have a few new projects I’m working on but I consider it more of a hobby right now. I had to stop working at my job because it was not working out as well as I thought it would, with me still having to feed and put Lexi to sleep. I’m planning on going back once Lexi weans as long as my “projects” stay small and don’t make money (which I hope won’t happen). 🙂
I know just how you feel…only it too me 2 years to get to this point!
I think the reason why so many moms get so offended by a lot of the topics you pointed out stems from everyone’s serious desire to be the best mom possible, and not being 100% sure at all times that the things they do are right. If you are 100% confident in your decisions, you won’t get offended by what other do..period. But….I believe it’s OK to not always be 100% sure about every little thing you do as a mom because motherhood is confusing! As amazing as it is becoming someone’s mother…not all of us are born magically knowing what’s best for a baby, how to care for a baby etc….and in addition, as we all know now, what’s best for one baby isn’t always what’s best for another.
It took my baby becoming a kid for me to realize how silly I was for worrying about what other moms did differently haha.
Good comment, Laura! I agree 100%
About time! I don’t see the point of writing a blog if you worry about pissing off people. I say too bad, they can piss off and read someone else’s blog. Are you writing for yourself or an audience so you can be on the top baby blogs? You obviously want to write for yourself. Good, go do it. By the way, I have purchased a few of your recommendations, the latest being the waterproof picnic blanket. DM
How did you like the blanket? I am finding out that I use it EVERYWHERE!
It’s your blog so you can do whatever you want! I find your blog refreshing and you should always show your true self because that’s what makes your blog great. If people want you to tiptoe and be fake then you don’t want those people here anyway. Good for you!
Your blog is amazing ~ I’m so excited to see what you write when you let it all out, Your going to get negative feed back no matter how you write so have fun with it. People just have nothing better to do ! I have 3 kids and up until reading your blog I let myself go. My body, My style, My life all went to my kids. Not saying it doesn’t now I just take time on me. I’m very excited to see what you have in store. Remember everyone always has stuff to say just take it with a grain of salt ~ Thank you for the inspiration!
Your minivan and large t-shirt comment made me laugh. If I left the house looking like crap before I was a mother, oh well I didn’t want to get dressed up that day. Now, if I leave the house looking like hell all I can think is I look like “that mom”. The one whose too tired to give a shit. It has become a serious phobia of mine lol. I want to be the cool, put together mom (don’t we all?)… Why does it have to be so hard!!?!
Hahahah YOU ARE SO RIGHT! I didn’t even think about it. But you hit the nail on the head. It’s exactly that!
you are an inspiration to many many many people!!!!
HOOORAY!!!!!! It feels like it has been SOOOOOOOO long since you have talked about yourself.
Haters gonna’ hate. So fuck em. 🙂
Your true readers love you, regardless if they agree or disagree with your parenting choices.
I loved this post! Sometimes you have to DO YOU. No matter how it sounds to anyone else, you need to feel comfortable in your own skin and be honest to yourself. This post should encourage others (not just parents) to “grab” into their mind and “fish out” a few goals. 😀
hey, it is your blog, so write whatever you want, it is the reality of the blogging world: someone is going to disgree and tell you about it, but that is what you signed up for when you started blogging: the good, and the polite, and the different, and the crazy, and the beligirent. I, personally, read for a point of view completely different from mine, as an education and for product reveiws. I work full time and simply do not have the time to do a ton of research or read tens of books on topics, and I can always depend on you to do my work for me (mostly kidding) when it comes to baby products. I am serious, there are a few very useful items I bought because I saw them on your blog. Most recently, those awesome links that Lexi is playing with in the 8 mo recap post. So, please, be yourself! I never actually comment when I disagree, partially because like you said, it is not that you are WRONG, your approach is just DIFFERENT, but you seem to have survived for 20+ years with your approach, so it must be working for you 🙂 … and partially because I do not like to rant via comments/emails. Any negative feelings put on paper are just bad for the soul. Good luck. And, please, keep finding new baby products, because some busy moms depend on you. XO
Hahahaha! I am glad that the time I spend to find cool things isn’t wasted 🙂
You should get something like an Amazon store, so people can get the items through your blog and you get a little percentage. Not sure if the volume makes it cost effective, but I would absolutely do it – it is only fair that you get something for the research work that I benefit from. On another note, I especially appreciated the organic baby clothes post – I have since bought POP stuff (awesome), and bookmarked the baby modswad for the kiddo #2 – I really wish I know about it when my Sasha was a newborn! I also got the ShiShu blankets on your recommendation and love them. I actually went on blanket shopping spree, and I am currently on Blanket diet. Have you seen Robbie Adrian blankets – ruffled, organic, super soft. They are expensive and never go on Gilt or Zullily but they are FANTASTIC. They are also a local business for me, which makes them almost a perfect choice.
Go you! I love realizations like this post. And I also love how you can write it all out. If I tried it would be one big mess of run on sentences and unorganized thoughts! Can’t wait to read more about the “controvertial” stuff! And I love pictures!
I agree with you– people do get very sensitive when you talk about choices you’ve made that are different from theirs. And it’s worse with mom stuff. I think, though, that this happens for a few reasons. First of all, I noticed that moms get all defensive when talking about their choices for their kids bc they are afraid of being judged by the other mom. And a lot of times people don’t realize it, but the WAY they talk about their choices makes them seem like they are judging every other mom who doesn’t make the same choices. I have a friend who is like this and it’s really hard to even be around her. She makes it seem like her choices are the ONLY acceptable ones. She works and sends her 16 month old to day care and that’s obviously the BEST choice. She cant imagine how I only work part time, blah blah blah. It’s get old after a while. Live and let live, right?
Thank you all for words of support! I really do appreciate them a lot!
A side note: I don’t plan on writing “controversial” posts for the sake of controversy, I just don’t want to think about how I should phrase things out of fear of offending someone, because it takes away from the spirit that I am writing with. You should see no drastic changes in my blog. Just more “musings” on different topics from me. For the most part, the change is inside of me.
🙂
Oh I love it!!!!
I know the feeling and even if I’m not a mom yet, quite often I catch myself thinking “WTH, where’s all my energy and desire to do this that and the other!!??”.
I guess it just takes a realization and an effort at the beginning and then you just can’t stop cuz it’s so much fun 🙂
As for haters and readers only looking to pick on smth in your posts – they will always be there cuz that’s the only way they can feel slightly less shitty about themselves, so who cares if their own complexes and inadequacies push them to be furious about their decisions just because yours are different (read – better in their opinion), they see it as you criticizing them and pointing at their parental mistakes (whaaaat? people see what they want to see huh) 🙂
Bring on the Good Old New Elena 🙂
LOVE your honesty. it’s refreshing and good. thank you.
Love it!! Bring on the honesty. While some of the choices you make, might not be the ones I make, I love hearing about them. ; )
good on you! i love honest blogs, and you can tell the difference between reading one of honest, raw, personal thoughts compared to one writing solely for the audience. i hate how bloggers these days have to think of who they may offend before they can write out their personal thoughts, or when they have an opinion – having to back it up with sources. good on you for making your blog about you & your gorgeous family & life 🙂
Yay! I can’t wait to read more posts! I’m thrilled that you’re being your real self. That’s what attracted me to this blog. It was different and it was honest. 🙂
Yay! I am so glad! I love posts like this. 🙂 I would LOVE to see a post on your reflections of your pre-conception and pregnancy time. What are your thoughts looking back on it? what would you do differently, if anything, and any advice from the mommy side? My husband and I have spent 10 months preparing to TTC and will be taking the plunge soon. I’ve learned so much from your archives. I was just reading the post where you were having second thoughts about TTC. I am soo freaking out right now as to whether this is perfect timing or not! Anyway, I would love to see your thoughts now that you’re “back” on the other side. 😀
That’s an awesome suggestion!!!! Obviously, I don’t regret it one second! It’s amazing to have our little Lexi! But I’ll add this post idea to my list!
THIS is why i read this blog! I want to see a real mom who has real issues snd real success!
Ps. I am also terrified if the “mom” look lol
You go, girl! This is YOUR life, don’t let anyone tell you how you should live it and what to write about!
BTW, I don’t know anything about babies and all that stuff, but I LOVE your blog because of YOU and your writing style.
get it girl! love this post. so inspiring!!!
and BEAUTIFUL pics!
Love This. Its hard being a mom and also being yourself. I need to remember to be both. Also, its so imporant to follow our gut feelings regardless of what others think, especially when its about our parenting skills. Thanks for the reminder.
Great post & I love the photos, the sun flare and the last especially.
You are absolutely right it is so easy to get lost in your baby. I could spend all day (and some days I do) doing nothing but spending time with my little girl!
I think it’s wonderful that your going to start blogging in a way that you want! I’ve been following your blog since you were pregnant with Lexi and it was a great resource for me because I was also pregnant with my little one (a few months behind you). I’ve purchased a few of the items you featured and I (we) loved them. I love that your blog is full of resources & great imagery 🙂
Honestly you can’t please everyone there will always be people that will criticize you and plain dislike you no matter what you do or say, there will always be something. Life’s to short to please EVERYONE so you might as well enjoy it the way you want and that includes the way you blog!
I love this post in general. I have been impressed by your parenting style and your convictions to doing what is best for your daughter. (Just a few thoughts. I hope this doesn’t come off too negatively, because I really don’t mean it that way). 🙂
1. I hate it when people say that we should not care what other people think. It is normal and natural and part of the human experience. We are social beings and naturally want to be part of a like minded community, that is why we care what other people think. But definitely, I agree, that we should not care TOO much what other people think that we are not staying true to ourselves and it dampens our behavior.
2. I totally agree that you should write on controversial issues, especially when it comes to parenting. However, I disagree that parenting is a personal thing and not a community thing. We all share this society and we are a community. Everyone impacts one another whether they like to admit that or not. As parents we are raising adults that will become members of out society that we have to live along side. Parenting is a huge and important job. It is important to have conversations with other parents about the best information, research, what have you, to bring up a happy, well adjusted child. So many parents just raise their children the way they were raised, take advice that is outdated, parent without much thought, or do whatever is easy. Even if someone disagrees with you, it may illicit thought and discussion that someone may not have had otherwise. This is not to say that we shouldn’t respect one another’s choices if they are made thoughtfully and with good information. Parents can make different choices and still have similar outcomes with their children. Some things do work better for different families and children, but it is still good to talk about it, share, and disagree at times. Dialogue is good. Ideally everyone would have an open mind, but unfortunately many people don’t. (BTW, I admire you for standing your ground on the way you are parenting Alexis. I am shocked by some of the comments at times on issues such as CIO, but that is another comment.)
4. I have read a few things you have said from time to time about being a mom who “lets themselves go.” I know you used to model so focusing on appearance is probably more engrained than it may be for some people. Because a mom decides to wear sweatpants and a ponytail everyday does not mean they have “let themselves go” or that they are not caring for themselves. Some women honestly do not care a bit about fashion, jewelry, clothes, and make-up. They wear what is comfortable and that alone makes them feel good. People may have their own ideas about what looks “good” instead of what is force fed to them by the fashion industry, trends, and the media. In addition, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a mother who puts more of her energy into her children than herself. When you talk this way it comes across as judgmental, superficial AND it is like saying that you care TOO much about what other people think when it comes to your appearance (in the same post where you say you believe someone should not care what other people think). I am not saying that is actually how you feel/think/believe, it is just how it comes across. I know many women who before they became mothers regularily went to the salon for hair, nails, bought nice clothing, jewelry, etc. They gave this up to have children because having children and staying home with them meant they could simply no longer afford their previous lifestyles. In my opinion this is admirable and earns my respect any day over a mom who manages to get out of the house everyday with her baby looking all made up.
Thanks for your opinion, Rachel!
Just want to correct one thing that you sort of assumed about me. I don’t care what OTHER people think about my appearance. I dress up, put make up on, do my (if I do it) SOLELY for myself. I like how I look when I am dressed up/made up and it makes me feel good to look good. How other people dress is none of my business, however I personally don’t want to be the mom who wears oversized T-shirts and mom jeans. For me.
Paulo Coelho has some great thoughts on this topic. He says that if everybody loves you, something is wrong. He also says that haters are just people trying to figure out why everyone loves you. Other than that, I just want to know where Rachel’s #3 went.
You’re funny! I had to go hunt to see what Rachel’s #3 was!
I hear ya on the fizzling out…I don’t quite have the full motivation back like you do though! Good for you. 🙂 I’m kinda letting my blog slide, just because my real life day to day doesn’t leave much room for it right now. I do want to grow it and help it flourish though, and (I saw in a post above, of yours that you are doing this too…) I am currently working on a redesign myself. 🙂 Great posts by the way. 🙂
So I am way behind current time as I started reading your blog from the beginning and just now caught up to this point…. But I loved this post. You addressed some of my biggest fears about becoming a mother (we will start TTC in 8 months). I don’t want to be someone’s mom, I want to be ME who happens to have an awesome kid. I can see hoe it would be easy to get lost in something you love so much and hope that you ended up writing more about this as I catch up to current time.
In case you haven’t read this post in a while, maybe today is the day you needed a reminder, in which case, I’m glad I brought you back 🙂