I find it funny sometimes how TV shows and movies misrepresent certain things to help fit them into the storyline or their timeline. Sometimes, though, I feel like those things have the potential of harming/hurting the less educated/knowledgable viewers or younger audience.
You all heard about the fuss over Glee and the adoption storyline they were going to run. From what I remember, they were going to have Quinn give her baby up for adoption and then later change her mind and take the baby back or something along those lines. The adoption activists got a wind of it and rightfully made it a big deal asking the studio to change their storyline. Whatever the real story was there, it is not right to give people an impression that couldn’t be further from the truth ( like that you can give your baby up for adoption and then months/years later change your mind and take it back). Because while most people tend to research their options, others ( especially young and inexperienced) can be too overwhelmed by the prospect of what they are about to do and simply rely on misconceptions they’ve picked up on TV.
So the other day I was watching last season’s episode of Parenthood where Julia and her hubby were trying to conceive and there was a conversation between her and Sarah about “how long it has taken them to conceive and that surely there was a problem with one of them, since it has been a WHOLE 4 months and nothing”.
I mean, seriously? A WHOLE 4 MONTHS????
Any book or doctor will tell you that it takes an average healthy couple 4-6 months to conceive, with some taking 1 year BEFORE there’s a need to worry about infertility. Anyone who doesn’t know that going into TTC is either not ready to have a baby, because obviously they didn’t prepare properly, OR is most likely going to be in a world of hurt if it takes them a few months longer than expected.
Now, I know you might say that it took us 1 month to conceive, so I have no right to say anything(which would be rude, btw), BUT we did spend a whole year preparing for that first month of TTC (reading books, changing eating habits, exercising, not smoking, not drinking, doing tests, taking care of health problems, doing dental work, taking prenatals etc), doing more than most people do while TTCing, so who knows how long it would have taken us to conceive, had we started the second the decision was made? And aside from that, I was going into it fully expecting it to take 4-6 months or more.
So while the show’s screw up was a minor one, I think it’s slightly unfair to those who have been trying for a few months or longer and creates misconceptions for those who aren’t having kids yet.
The other thing that made me chuckle on the show is how Julia was holding off her horny husband for 48 hours so that he’s “save up his sperm” until the day of ovulation. There are multiple studies which show that waiting to have sex to increase sperm count actually lowers your chances of conception in a man with normal sperm counts, because that means you have less sex ( for men with low sperm counts it has shown to work if you time it right). And then finally, waiting until she ovulates? Really? If you have sex ON the day of ovulation, your chances of conception are actually much lower (5% i think- don’t quote me on that one), than having sex a day or two PRIOR to ovulation (12-15% chance of conception, again I’m just remembering from the top of my head). So it’s all about depositing “the goods” in a timely and continuous manner until you hear “The eagle has landed!”
I just find it funny, because I remember before we decided to have a baby, I was one of those people who thought that it’s better to wait a few days before having sex because he’ll have more swimmers. I bet I got it from some TV show 🙂 haha
Haha, according to that guy’s method to increase chances of having a boy you actually need to to wait a few days before having sex on the O day :))))) who knows 🙂 As long as it works!
What guy? Shettles? According to him you have to have sex on the day of O or a day before. The closer to O the better but it does lower your chances of conception. There’s a very low chance (none as far as i know) you can get pregnant if you wait a day after O.
So we better start trying one day before and on the actual day too 🙂
Yeah definitely for a boy according to that method.
There’s a What to Expect movie coming out next year, I wonder how unreal those pregnancies will be? I think I’ll see it just to compare it to what I just went through, haha!
Seriously? OMG! Oh no! I didn’t like the books- I thought they were dumbed down and too simple. They are much better books out on the market. I can’t believe they’re making a movie. I hope it’s just entertaining and not educational/
We started TTC this month and so far nothing)) I am not a patient one, but I guess now I have to be prepared to TTC for the next 3-5 months then. btw, I read the books, did all the shots in the fall, and dropped the pill in August. the problem is that I do not know when I ovulate. my cycle is 30 days long and online tools show different dates. do you have any experience with ovulation kits?
Oh congrats! I’m so excited for you guys!!!!
I figured out my cycle by using basal body temperature. Mine is like clockwork and totally matches the traditional 28 day cycle, but it was still important to track it. As it is when we conceived my O was 1 day late. I never used the kits, because my chart told me everything.
Basically, you need to buy a basal thermometer and measure and record your temperature first thing in the morning BEFORE you get up or move around at the same time each day. It would have been helpful to do it about 3 months before TTC so that you know exactly when you ovulate. I’m not a patient person either and I hated the idea that I could be trying for months on end not even knowing when I’m ovulating. So then you create a chart. I used the LoveDiary app on the iphone which was very convenient! Usually after 3 months of charting you start seeing a pattern, so you’ll know when you’re ovulating. Google basal body temperature tracking- it’ll explain all the signs and stuff. I would start tracking your BBT right away, because you don’t know how long it’ll take you to conceive and once you have a handle on it, it’ll help. Now if your cycle is super irregular it might not help. Either way, if you have sex at least once a day starting 5 days before you are supposed to O and finishing 5 days after (in case your O is late), you should be fine.
If you go over the posts back when we were getting ready to TTC, I’m sure I wrote about all that in detail ( it would have been april/may. We started TTC in May)
Good Luck, girl!
Google “Sperm Meets Egg Plan” or “SMEP”. This is all over the web. Basically, you start having sex every other day at or around day 8-10 of your cycle. You also start using ovulation sticks (I like clearblue easy the best because they’re easy to interpret, but they’re expensive) around then. You have sex the day of the first positive test and for two more days. You take one day off, then have sex the next day. I *think* that is the gist of the plan. If anyone knows for sure, feel free to correct me.
But that’s what my husband and I are doing… and we’re also charting. You can do SMEP without charting, too.
There’s a wealth of free information on fertility signs on http://www.fertilityfriend.com, too.
Those books are so bad. I threw “What to expect in the first year” into the recycle bin after reading that I should start to wean a nursing 10-month-old. What a load of rubbish!
Exactly! I read so many things in the What to expect when you’re expecting that I was like”Really? You are telling women that it’s ok to do that?” I think it’s the underachiever’s guide to pregnancy/babies!
I couldn’t agree more. I see that there’s a “What to expect before your Expecting” book on the shelves. Hopefully, it isn’t full of terrible information.
I don’t think that this posting is offensive, Elena. I see conception misinformation like this on TV, and I wonder the same thing. That said, I see a LOT of things on TV that make no sense or with which I can’t agree. But, unfortunately, these are things that shape the decisions of many people who do not seek out information like you (or I) do.
I know of a girl who ordered her Clomid online for her second cycle of TTC. She wasn’t even seeing an OB or RE. She became pregnant, but didn’t realize it because she was spotting and mistook it for her period. She continued the clomid WHILE she was pregnant, but only for a few days. Had she known that it takes an average of 4-6 months (or, even, a year) to conceive, maybe she wouldn’t have ordered the clomid after one unsuccessful cycle and, then, continued to give her baby a teratogen. Now she has to go to the OB and tell him/her what she has done. I hope that the baby is just fine and I am glad that she has shared her story, so that others do not make the same mistake.
Someone probably read this post and learned that it can take more than one quick swoop to get pregnant. We can only hope!
Oh that story is so sad! 🙁 And that’s exactly what I was talking about in the post. Some people just take everything they see on TV at face value, and there are often emotional or physical consequences.
You **** {edited explicative} You have NO IDEA about anything regarding infertility or adoption. How dare you even presume for a moment to have ANY right to comment on the pain of infertility.
I don’t give two shits whether you post this comment or not. I have the satisfaction of knowing you need to read it in order to approve it or not.
I have the right to comment or post about anything and everything I want.
However, your struggle with infertility DOESN’T give you the right to call anyone names regardless of what you went through!
I think you’d do everyone around you a favor if you dealt with your anger sooner rather than later.
Where did she mention infertility or adoption??
Elena, I want to like you. I think you have good intentions.
But the attitude of “I can post anything I want” makes you look like a spoiled little girl.
The truth is, you haven’t experienced the hardships of infertility nor do you understand the feelings of getting BFN month after month (even if it is only 4 months). As someone who went through IVF/ICSI for my daughter (with two losses along the way) and then concieved my son spontaneously and without any hardships I can promise you that the two experiences were in no way similar. Even with my anxiety about the probability with needing IF treatments again.
It is hurtful and ignorant of you to speak about issues you don’t understand. I don’t blog about the presumed feelings of the mother of a stillborn or micropreemie because I have never experienced those things. I respect my boundaries and don’t presume emotions. I also don’t compare my losses (both in the early 2nd trimester) with that of losses in the 3rd trimester or after the baby is born.
You do not understand the pain of infertility because you planned on TTCing for a year. Having to be patient because choices you made with your body (the vitamins, caffeine, etc) does not in any way to the pain of having to face down the idea that you may never be a mother because your FSH is too high or because your husband has no sperm. The fact that you don’t seem to understand that, and blog about it like you do, is infuriating and hurtful to a large group of women.
Know thy audience, Elena. You probably aren’t offending the vast majority of readers (those who are begining their TTC journey or who are pregnant). But there are definitely women out there that are hurt by your flippant and ignorant and insensitive comments comparing your TTC journey with their Infertility battle.
Jill, I understand what you’re saying but if you re-read my blog post, you’ll see that I am not in any way indicating that I “know” what it feels like to struggle with infertility. In fact, i didn’t even mention infertility, I mentioned the normal amount of time it takes to conceive. I’m simply commenting on the misconceptions that TV gives us. And my year of preparations doesn’t compare to true infertility, I compared it to the normal TTC (the standard 4-6 months it takes to conceive). And believe me that year of thing after thing that needed to be done before we even find out if we can have babies wasn’t the easiest. All I could think of was “OMG, when do we finally get to try?”
I think people forget that it is MY blog and that I CAN write about anything I want and I never wrote anything in a disrespectful manner. Those who are bothered by it, or by pregnant people in general because of their own struggles have the option of NOT reading it (I know it’s a weird concept right? lol). However, they don’t have the option to swear or call names or tell me WHAT I should write about in MY blog. I think it shows the class of a person.
And if you notice, in my post I was “on the side of people who struggle to conceive”.
It is possible to know after only 4 months that you will have difficulty conceiving. I knew after 3, as I was charting my hormones and discovered that I never ovulated, even though everything else seemed normal (normal temps, periods, etc., my LH was in the wrong place 🙂 ). I went to my doctor and had I listened to him and not my body I would have had to have waited 8 additional months of knowing something was wrong with no answer. Instead I went right ahead and got testing done (unfortunately I was correct), then treatments (some failed, one successful). I recommend to my friends, if you think something is wrong, don’t wait, there is no harm in getting tested and most of them only involve bloodwork.
TV is notoriously inaccurate, and I don’t fault you for calling them out on that, but it IS possible to know that something is wrong earlier. It’s just sad that sometimes the medical definition stands in your way of getting the help you know you need. The Julia character was unrealistic, but in line with her type-A personality.
Free speech is a funny thing though, you of course have the right to say what you want. Others have a right to be offended by it, and since you allow comments, call you out on it. The “if you don’t like it don’t read it” doesn’t work if you’ve already read it.
I am glad you had no trouble, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, and you seem like a nice person (although understandably naive of infertility etiquette). However, you need to understand the fact that you spent a year preparing has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you were lucky right away. Of course, it’s a great thing to do, but keep in mind there are others who, like you, did everything “right” and still had trouble, and to them, this post (and the other conception prep posts) can come off as condescending. It’s your blog, and I don’t expect you to change how you write, just know your posts can skew to the offensive to some because of your tone and their personal experience and be prepared for that.
All the best. Daughters are fantastic!
Oh I totally agree that it’s best to be proactive when it comes to TTC. We did certain fertility tests BEFORE we started TTC because I didn’t want to spend months trying not knowing if it’s even possible. It’s definitely best to check it out all especially if you suspect a problem. That’s not an issue and not what I wrote about.
As far as right of speech, or infertiles being offended, I am not even talking about infertility here. I am talking about a couple that would conceive normally. I understand it’s a sore subject for many however this is not an infertility blog and I am not about to screen everything I write about conception in case an occasional person with a problem reads it. And I definitely don’t think it’s appropriate to read into it to find “smth to be mad about” so that you could comment smth nasty. What’s the point? Only shows their own inadequacy.
What ever happened to freedom of speech, ladies? Just because you don’t agree with what she is saying in her “personal” blog, doesn’t mean she is wrong or crossing any line by saying it. If you really believe she has no right saying certain things, how do you justify your right to dispute it? My husband and I were TTC for nearly a year before we got pregnant. It was an emotional and physical journey for both of us. I read every book under the sun, and came across many of the same statistics Elena states in her blog posts. At the time, it didn’t make it easier for me, but I appreciated the knowledge. Some peoples’ fertility journies will be easier than others… But it’s *their* journey. This is Elena’s journey, and no one is forcing any of you to be a part of it.
There’s a surprising amount of couples I know who got pregnant the first month, but there’s even a bigger number of couples for whom it took exactly a year to conceive (some after some treatment). I don’t think there’s one right/normal or wrong/abnormal period of time. We deal with what life presents us and some people become angry and hateful, others learn from it.
I think I would have been LESS surprised if it had taken us a year to conceive, because that’s what I expected. But I’m sure I’d have driven myself crazy with “what’s wrong” if it hadn’t happened in the first few month, despite the statistics.
Freedom of speech has zero to do with this. She has the right to say what she likes, and readers have the right to respond in kind. Do not put your thoughts online if you don’t want a response. And by the way, Elena, your diet has nothing to do with conception. Please educate yourself.
I have no problems with opinions different than mine, I have problems with rude people who think they can anything because it’s anonymous.
And um… you’re very wrong about conception: diet, nutrition and resulting weight and health has absolutely EVERYTHING to do with conception.
So does proper balance of vitamins in your system. Moreover, your diet has a lot to do with a HEALTHY conception. Need I remind you of the simplest of birth defects (Anacephaly and other neural tube defects) that can be easily avoided with proper folic acid intake or supplementation. Or the fact that vitamin E intake of as little as 3/4 of DV months before conception has been linked to congenital heart defects risk in babies?
Our nutrition has to do with everything in our lives: our health, health of our future kids, our emotional state, our future.
I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what I said, and you contradicted yourself in your first two sentences. Lori said “How dare you even presume for a moment you have ANY right to comment on the pain of infertility.” The answer to that question is FREEDOM OF SPEECH… The very same freedom that gave Lori and you and myself the right to comment on this post. I’m not saying you’re not entitled to your opinions. I’m saying, don’t tell Elena she’s not entitled to hers.
My goodness people…. I was so surprised to read some of those comments… I reading it never once got any impression Elena was saying she understood infertility, and in fact re-read trying to find it.
And this is HER blog, she has every right to say and do as she pleases, don’t like it? There’s the exit button located on the top left or right, feel free to push it now…
Elena, you are very right about misconceptions, my husband and I were not trying to conceive and got pregnant though I was on the pill. I have always wanted to be a mom and I am very thankful our journey was not a difficult one (my cousin is 5 years into TTC). Now that I am pregnant and watch shows where pregnancy is shown I almost laugh at how wrong they have it.
Keep writing what you want, there are plenty of people here reading and enjoying your insight!!
I have commented before but I am 2 weeks behind you and I love seeing what your going through so I can see what I can expect. (even though when you go into labor and I still have a couple weeks I will secretly hate you lol)
See Melissa, some people who have trouble with fertility are very angry(and rightfully so), so when ANYONE writes about conception, complains about pregnancy, etc, that gets them mad. I’ve seen it on other blogs, I see it here. They feel you have no right to write about conception unless you’ve been trying for a long time. It’s all silly, it’s Internet- anyone with half a brain can say smth nasty. And anger is a very prevalent emotion in people- they just try to hide it the real world.
I am not about to stop writing in MY blog for fear of someone taking it wrong or too personal. I will, however, always stay respectful (believe me there are a few things I’d like to bitch about that WOULD offend some people but this is no place to do it lol)
Thanks for commenting and keep going with your pregnancy.
such a great post! I have PCOS and strugglilng with infertility, I have recently started juicing and two months in a row I got my period!! I am praying for #3! I also started BBT charting this month to see if i ovulate. I think the preparing the body is KEY! Especially when people don’t eat very healthy at all! LOVE your blog so much! 🙂
Oh seriously Tara!!!??? That’s so awesome- I’m so happy for you!!!!
I strongly believe that getting your body READY for conception helps conceive quicker and easier than you would have otherwise.
I’m so excited you’re having some success! You go girl!
I started BBT charting and I totally ovulated!! 🙂 Just thought I would give you that update!! Now I am in the 2 week wait! only 7 more days left of it! If I am not preggers this month i am buying that preconception book about how to prepare yourself! 🙂 Ill say it again, love your blog! I love that you are doing so much research and i get the easy way out and finding your thoughts and what books and what is good and what is bad so I don’t have to! I love it! you are so very informational and inspirational!
Omg Tara I’m so psyched for you!!!!! I’ll have my fingers crossed and if it doesn’t happen right now, you’ll just have more time to get better prepared!!!
And of course I know who you are and what you said, silly! 🙂
I wanted to reply on here, so you could remember who I was and what I said! 🙂 just wanted to share with you. 🙂
Hi Elena,
Not sure if you know of this but my friend adopted and there actually is a period of about 6 months that the birth parents could have changed their minds legally. Just figured I’d let you know. Love your blog, it’s very informative!
Hey Chris! No I didn’t know!!! I know absolutely nothing about how adoption works.:)
I only heard of that Glee story and the mess it got into. So wait, if you can request the baby back, why were the activists protesting? Maybe it’s just in certain cases?
That sounds like an exception to the rule. All states have different laws on this but 6 months seems far fetched to me. In my state, there’s a 14 day period where the birth parents can change their minds and take the child back. After 14 days, they’re SOL.
Elena – your post didn’t offend me but this comment upsets me a bit as I have a daughter with spina bifida. I still (more than 5 years later) try to think back to when I was TTC and whether or not I took my vitamins every. single. day. There are some things much beyond our control. My one fertilized egg split and then split again – resulting in identical triplets. Only one my girls has spina bifida and the doctors cannot tell us why. While I agree that neural tube defects have decreased with the awareness that women need proper folic acid intake, women who have children with this condition should not be made to feel that it is our fault. I’m sorry but that is how I read your comment.
Sarah, I had to go back and re-read my comment to see if I said something that would make you feel it’s your fault. I would hope that having a kid with spina bifida would make you a huge advocate for folic acid supplementation. That being said, folic acid only prevents 75% of all cases (am I correct on the number?), so I should have said “some cases of neural tube defects can be avoided”, but it’s impossible to keep in mind every single case or misfortune and write sensitively about every single thing (because what’s not a sensitive topic to you or me might turn out one for another person) and if we as bloggers spent all our time making sure our comments and post are accurately and sensitively written for ALL the people, then we would have time to blog. All I can do is just hope that people who are reading this know better than assume that anything is ever written with malice. There are no absolutes in this world. You can take all the folic acid you want and you’ll have a baby with a neural defect, you can be THE most perfect pregnant woman and have a stillbirth, you can also be a drunk, a smoker and a careless person and have a “healthy” baby.
Being in control of everything doesn’t INSURE a good outcome – it insures relative peace of mind for the time being and the “best outcome” that is meant to be.
Finally, I don’t believe in blaming yourself for something that can’t be changed (especially when it can be sooo out of our control). I know mommy guilt is hugely prevalent and I already find that I get caught up in that myself, so I try to either improve, if it’s something that’s ongoing or move on and make a difference somewhere else if it has already happened.
Good Luck! (P.S. You girls are absolutely adorable! I’ve always wanted to have twin/triplet girls)
People sure do get offended easily, geez Louise. Thanks for the post,, Elena. I’ve only been TTC for 5 months and sometimes it feels like forever but thankfully I try not to watch too much t.v.
Oh you go girl! Good luck with TTC and stay strong and patient! 10 months of pregnancy is a loooong time so I know how it feels to wait… 1 month seems like forever!
“I mean, seriously? A WHOLE 4 MONTHS????”
I hate to be a hater… BUT I don’t think you understand that 4 months can seem like an eternity. You tried once, and got pregnant. People know that it can take up to 6 months and they don’t worry about it till a year, but trying is hard. We tried for four months before we got pregnant and let me tell you it was a WHOLE FOUR MONTHS. Every month knowing your closer to the thought of “what if I can’t get pregnant?” you get more and more down about not being pregnant yet. so yeah, a WHOLE 4 MONTHS.
Melany, oh I definitely appreciate the difficulty of waiting for something you want. We had to wait a year to start trying after we decided to have kids ( just getting maternity coverage set up took 6 months). And it was a “self imposed” wait , so it was hard not to say “oh screw it! Let’s just do it” and believe me, that whole year I spent wondering (and worrying) whether we’d conceive. Then the 9 months of being pregnant which is nothing but “hurry up and wait”. So I am very familiar with having to wait and worry.
What I was commenting on was not the wait itself but the fact that she declared that there must be a problem since its been 4 months and they haven’t conceived. That gives people a wrong impression as to what is normal and what constitutes a problem.
How do you think you’d feel waiting those 4 months if you erroneously thought that you were supposed to conceive the first month?
actually as one who is well versed in most matters fertility-related. Having your man hold off from ejaculation for 2 days is OPTIMAL. Minimum of 2 days. Maximum of 5 days. He can’t go longer than 5 days as that is when issues with sperm deterioration start occuring.
And sex on O day is just as acceptable and fairly equal chances as the days leading up to it.
That’s not what I read in some sources ( i did read what you’re saying too. neither sources on the internet lol) If a guy has a normal sperm count then it’s better to “deposit” as much sperm as possible which would mean having sex as much as possible during the ovulation window, rather than hold off. Sex on O day IS acceptable but from the numbers I have found it is less effective statistically then 1 day or two before.
Now, i totally agree with holding off having sex for 2days if there’s a low sperm count and getting it as close to ovulation as possible.
i have been a reader for awhile now but this is my first comment. i am angered by your quote
“Anyone who doesn’t know that going into TTC is either not ready to have a baby, because obviously they didn’t prepare properly”
a woman doesn’t NEED to prepare to be ready to have a child & be a good parent. surprise babies do happen [my 1st son is an example] & just because they weren’t planned out for years doesn’t make the parent any less qualified to be their parent. my son is 4 now, healthy, happy[ & has been from day one] & meeting 5 year old milestone.
in short i didn’t prepare for a year ahead of time, i did everything right once i found out i was pregnant & i am an excellent mother. anyone will tell you that. maybe you should think about people who aren’t in your same little bubble when writing posts in the future. not very many people live your life.
Fair enough.
It took me 4years to get pregnant. 3years on infertility treatment, including one IVF, three IUI’s, laparoscopy removing endometriosis and then BAM the fourth IUI worked and now I’m pregnant 24wks with a boy. Every TTC is hard, no matter if it takes you a month or a year or years. Some never get pregnant and opt for adoption or surrogate even. Some use donor eggs, even sperm. Once you want a baby, you’ll do whatever necessary to do it. I count myself lucky that my story is getting a positive outcome. I feel blessed, during all these years trying, you realize how precious a baby really is. I was never jealous of others who could get pregnant immediately, I knew my time would come. All you need is faith, patience and staying positive. Getting pregnant is not a competition, it’s a gift. And of course, until you actually hold your baby in your arms, nothing is for certain. I advice everyone trying to TTC, go and see you Dr., get checked, tested, whatever necessary. Don’t waste time. And good luck 😀