I've been spending these past few days thinking about a lot of things. Trying to digest my feelings and imagine the future. The first part of the pregnancy has been perfect from the emotional standpoint. I spent these 5 months taking care of myself, taking it easy, being calm and at peace. I've tuned into my inner self and paid all the attention to the baby growing inside of me. Thinking about her, feeding her, day dreaming, planning. Never in my life have I been so in tune with my inner self, so focused on myself. Though, it's funny because it never felt like I was focusing on myself per se, but more on the baby inside of me. Everything I do, I do with her in mind. I hear that is normal once you become a parent, that all of a sudden the world revolves around this little person in your arms. Except, the world is spinning in a different direction already and I still have 4 months to go. At the same time, with everything that I am paying attention to ( nutrition, her kicks, singing songs to her, resting and not overextending myself even when I want to), I can't help but wonder if I'll ever feel like my normal self again. I know I will have this bundle to take care of with a new set of "sacrifices" and constant attention, but will I ever get to be selfish again. Will I get to do things I love doing, but with Alexis in tow? Will I still see friends often? Will we travel? Will we have constant house guests like before? Will we go to the beach all the time? Will we drive up to Disney every 2 weeks? I feel that once Alexis comes, it'll be all about her in a way I can't even comprehend right now. But has anyone out there been able to integrate babies into their life, while never sacrificing the quality of their care? I hope so- I want to share so many things with her: I can't wait to take her for a stroll in the park. I can't wait to spread a checkered blanket on the beach and have her soak up the sun and the sea. I can't wait to go shopping with a stroller ( weird, huh?). I can't wait to take her out on a boat. I can't wait to show her off to all my friends. I can't wait to host a baby party after her birth. I can't wait to take her to Disney over and over and over again. I can't wait to breastfeed. I want to see her first happy emotions. I want to go out for sushi ( finally) and this time have my daughter (wow!) next to me. I want to spend typical Floridian days like I used to before pregnancy and this time, I want her to enjoy and experience them with me. I want to sit on a hammock with her sleeping in my arms, drinking lemonade and reading a book. I also like the idea of not feeling like anything and everything I do and put in and on my body has the potential of hurting her in some way. I feel like her life right now is dependent on my body doing the right thing and on me making the right judgements about what I do. It hurts me so bad to read about premature deliveries and incompetent cervices and stillbirths, because right now if my body decides to do something wrong, she won't have a chance of survival. At 24 weeks, the viability, that chance goes up to 50%. But that's not good enough. I want her safe in my arms, so that I could protect her from "myself". Does that make sense? I also hope I can have time to do it all. I hope life doesn't kick me in the ass and takes the wind out from under me. I have girlfriends who do it all, who have amazing daughters, and fulfilling careers, they have fun, spend time with their kids - somehow they manage. I'm grateful that I have these women to look up to. I am grateful I have my mom. She's the most amazing example of a mother one could ever have. Most of these women didn't have help, they did it all on their own. I am grateful I have a devoted husband to help me. With his help, I know it will be possible to be the kind of parent I've always wanted to be. The attentive, loving, caring, selfless, fun parent. And at the same time I can't wait for the curve balls life with a newborn will throw me. I am ready, I welcome it! Is it strange to look forward to sleepless nights, to diaper changes, to labor and delivery?
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