This week I was trying to examine why on earth I am having doubts about having kids.
I mean we had already discussed it all and decided that the time is now and that we’re ready emotionally ( while we really weren’t ready before… at all) and that we want kids.
Then why all of a sudden I am having doubts and fears?
Well, fears are understandable…
Unless you turn off your thinking cap, I don’t think anyone who’s never had kids can safely say “Hell yeah it’s gonna be easy and I’m looking forward to it”. That’s not a realistic expectation. And some women find out that the hard way. The most important thing of this whole journey for me has been preparedness: mental, emotional, financial, physical.
If you think about it, those who just decide they want kids, toss birth control and get pregnant are doing it the right way from the stand point of not over thinking it ( though I am sure they could improve from the preparedness stand point). Not too much time to think, analyze, decide if they REALLY want it, or if it’s just a whim and they don’t realize how hard it can be. Because once you’re pregnant, there’s no way back. You love the child growing inside of you more than anything.
So what I’m concerned with are the doubts.
I’ve always been a kid lover, like insane lover. I enjoy being with kids, I prefer a kid’s company to an adult. I’ve always known I will be having kids, but the time had to be right. I never had a NEED to have kids though. Like, you know, where i just HAVE TO have a baby right now. It was more of a logical thing: I want to have children, I want to give them all I have, I want to do attachment parenting, love them to death, teach them all I have to teach. Not having kids was never an option. Everyone knows kid-less couples are miserable. Or are they?
Recently I read an article talking about how it turns out that based on multiple different studies, people without kids are HAPPIER than people with kids. And that parents really have a lot of unhappiness they don’t like display ( for obvious reasons) and that the “reward of parenting” isn’t a reward at all, like most like to believe.
That sort of took me back! I always thought that for my happiness I need to have kids, and now they’re telling me that I will be more miserable when I have them. I mean I love my life, the way it is now, what I do, my hobbies, my family. Why would I want to change that, ruin that?
So all that got mixed in my head into this mush of thoughts and feelings and doubts… and I keep thinking and discussing it with hubby. I am a super analytical person, very logical and straight forward. I am sure that can be seen in my approach to pregnancy and parenthood. If you have read my blog from the beginning, you know the amount of preparation I’ve gone through to make sure everything is as perfect as it can be, before we start TTCing.
So it’s completely normal for me to logically analyze whether life with a baby is better than life without. I have my doubts, concerns and fears, but at the same time I try to keep it in my head that they say that it changes so much when you get pregnant, have a baby. That’s it’s no longer a decision, it just is….
And i think I believe that, because when I think …like really think and imagine having a kid that I love more than anything, and being pregnant, I can see that glimmer of all-consuming love and happiness.
So I guess it’s natural to be a little bit scared. I mean, anyone going into their first pregnancy without any kind of fear is a fool, because they must not realize the importance and grandeur of creating a life. It’s natural to worry about lifestyles changing, never having time, financial matters. I always see mothers with 2-3 kids and they look exhausted, they smile at you and pretend they’re ok, but I see how fed up their are with diapers and bottles and constant 24/7 attention. So I want to be prepared for that, I want to know what I’m signing up for. I want to do this because I’ve debated the positives and negatives and decided that former outweigh the latter. I want to go into this knowing with certainty that I am ready and I will take it whether it’s good or bad. Because if I know now with my logical mind, then when I’m finally pregnant, then there’ll be no doubts whatsoever.
See, what I figured out is that my feelings are being muddied up by the wait. We thought we were going to start TTCing in November, so we started preparing in August, but things took a lot longer than we thought, specifically my maternity coverage and my wisdom teeth, so in November, we counted out three months and were going to start by Feb ( surely the insurance would come through by then). And now, it’s March, finally the insurance is through ( supposedly), and now we have to wait the 30 day waiting period, plus skipping April, puts us at May, which is about 30 days away ( wow, actually sooner than I thought). I have ALL this time to think and to doubt it all… But then I force myself to imagine that the insurance is a go, and we can start trying tomorrow, and I have this awesome excitement inside of me…cautious and scared excitement, but an excitement nevertheless. Like, OMG, we’re really doing it and how cool is it!!!!
So there we have it , friends. It’s the darn wait, since August, that has been freaking me out all along. The wait! Because when you put me right up to it, I am excited!
{oh and also I am reading countless pregnancy books… yes, already, i want to know what to expect and what to prepare for…. and they’re freaking me out with all the complications and such. Just yesterday i finished a chapter on stillbirth. Yikes!}
So now a few days after I’ve written this post, after talking to moms, getting their feedback ( THANK YOU!), i feel more confident about what to expect and that it is truly what I want.
{hubby also helped me out a bit. While he’s not a kid person and doesn’t display crazy excitement like most men don’t, when i was doubting it all, he was there to tell me that it’s what he wants too. Which is always nice}
{the baby in the pictures is my friend’s baby}
I think you’re almost normal (hehehe) – I think you’re actually storing all the fear that I should have.
WOW I wished i had of been like you. I guess you will do everything to avoid stretch marks etc too? I never even thought about stuff like that. Will you breast feed? I came from a single child house hold never had been around any babies and for some reason wanted them early on. I look back now and think – why? I lost my youth. I love my kids – it is HARD work, but i hate what it has done to my body – I could have a body like yours if i worked hard at it but would still be covered in strtech marks and I have a less than desirable bust now from breastfeeding. I am not putting a downer on you please don’t think that I just wish I had of know a bit more of what it does to you mentally and physically (hormones included). I am convinced it triggers certain things in your body too. There are so many things you just don’t know till it happens but you sound like you are being way sensible and i hope it all goes well. Babies are sweet, that is the easy stage then they grow and it becomes mentally harder. I never had any advice and just giving a bit though it doesn’t seem that helpful now i read it and isn’t coming out right (oh for better communication skills! ) xx
All your thoughts are super normal. And the waiting is definitely messing with you. Once you have your baby, you will marvel at the fact that you had a life before them. We always say “can you even imagine the world without Nate or Mia?” It’s not a bed of roses, that’s for sure but you will be a wonderful mom and if you like other people’s kids then just wait until you meet your own! 🙂 I keep meaning to reply to your email and I will but wanted to point out that you will adore having a new photography subject and think of your preggo selfies! You will 100% be one of those people with just a tiny tummy. 🙂 And put away all those crazy books, they will make you nuts!! Seriously. You will become so anxious that you won’t be able to get pregnant.. 🙂 That’s my best advice, don’t read all that can go wrong, just focus on the positive and take it one day at a time.
i only have a second but i need to say…. the best book i read was The Big Book of Birth. i read it and then didn’t read a single other book afterwards. i never looked in what to expect again (although i used the 1st year one a bit). this book gave me the total confidence to own my experience and have an awesome med-free induction.
http://www.amazon.com/Big-Book-Birth-Erica-Lyon/dp/0452287685/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1301948662&sr=8-1
I’ve read a few birthing books, but for me it’s also important to read everything and anything I can on pregnancy itself. I have about 20 books, and I’m done with like 6 of them. I intend on reading them all. I actually can’t stand the most popular book most women read “What to expect when you’re expecting”, it’s like it was written for dummies. I will definitely check out Big Book of Birth and probably read it too 🙂 lol
Btw, how can you have a med-free induction, since induction itself means medication used to induce labor? 🙂 lol
ha. well, true. i guess i meant no pain meds. and actually once i told my doc i wanted to get into the shower my body took over so i was able to stop the induction meds too which was nice for the final stretch!
You know, I actually had a lot of doubts about the baby too. my husband and I spent a lot of time “preparing” before we decided to have a baby and we honestly thought we were ready. But almost as soon as I was pregnant, i started questioning it and continued through until the moment she was born. I haven’t questioned it since 🙂
The 2nd I saw that pink line ( well, after I was don freaking out), I didn’t question our decision at all. And the more we get into it, the more my love for Alexis grows. But i think it’s natural for “planners” like us to second guess such an important decision.
Thank you so much for this post! For those who are planning and waiting until the time is ‘right’, the doubts and fears bulid up. What you wrote here is my experience exactly. You wrote this part to express yourself, and now you and your blog are helping women like me who are also ‘discovering’ beforehand what motherhood and life with a baby will be about. So thanks! Also, is there anything you wish you could tell your pre-baby self? Or people like me who are in the panning process
There are A TON of things that I would tell my pre-baby self but none of them would matter. You can’t load up on sleep so that you would not need it later. You can’t get huge projects done and out of the way, because then you’ll be waiting forever.
I wish I had traveled overseas more years ago (not pre-pre-baby), I wish I had had the knowledge I have now to write a book. This is silly but I wish I had gotten my photos and videos in order ( edited, compiled, sorted and deleted) before. Because now I am adding thousands of them a month and there is no way I can go back to organize my last 11 years 🙂
Looking back at the preparation time for TTC, I am so grateful to myself I did all of that. I feel it truly paid off and would have done it all over again. So I highly recommend this level of preparedness!