I wanted to wait to write this post until things were closer to being final…
As some of you have noticed, Andrew and I have not been together for quite a while now. And while I do not think it is fair to him for me to discuss specifics on the internet, I wanted to wait until the divorce was close to final to let you, guys, know about it here. Partly because many of you have followed our lives from the beginning, partly because I know many families are going through the same thing and most importantly because it’s not a subject widely discussed or talked about. And it should be.
No decision to separate a marriage or a long term relationship is easy. And I have to say that I agonized over it for months, if not a year. That consume most of the year 2014 and a bit of 2015. I know many women who are in the position I was, some with fewer options. For me, the realization that I was not happy in my marriage came on slowly. I did not know what was wrong at first. I felt like I was trapped with no way to get out and simply unhappy. I wanted something more. Something different. It took me MONTHS to understand what I was feeling and what it was connected to. And then MONTHS again, to make a solid decision that I wasn’t going back and forth on.
I can’t discuss the whys here. It wouldn’t be fair to Lexi’s dad. I can say it was very hard to fully decide on divorce because of our 13 years together and because of Lexi, but when the decision was made, it felt right. I do not blame anyone. I feel it was irreconcilable differences ( as silly as it sounds). I realized that what I needed to grow and to be a better person and to achieve something in life wasn’t necessarily what I had or what I wanted.
Almost 2 years after the conversation about divorce started, we have finally managed to find the time to file the paperwork. (It was never a priority to have it official, because we were already separated emotionally). We agree on everything when it comes to the separation. We both hope that for the sake of Lexi and our own relationship, we can stay amicable. I don’t hold anything against him, and hope to stay friends and parents and hope that with time he will not hold anything against me.
How will this affect Lexi in terms of seeing her mom and dad?
We have been practicing co-parenting for 1.5 years now. 50/50 mom and dad. It started due to our work schedules even before we were sure that we wanted to get separated, and then morphed into a full on co-parenting deal on a 50/50 basis. As far as we can tell, Lexi has not noticed a difference. She sees mommy and daddy equal amounts of time. We are hoping that we can still take vacations together, as his work allows ( I am more flexible than Andrew), celebrate holidays together, come to recitals and games together. Our goal is to keep a united front and do what is best for Lexi in the face of a not-so-ideal situation. I know Andrew has been missing from the pictures, but he is not missing from her life. We just don’t take many of all three of us anymore. We will be moving into separate houses, I am getting a rental condo or house by August. Looking at many properties right now, maybe I will record my journey.
While it was a very hard decision, I have to say I have not been this happy with my life for a very long time. It’s hard, and it’s frustrating at times, but I have a free, happy feeling inside of me that I haven’t felt in years. And it certainly gets projected onto my daughter.
I know many women out there felt the same: trapped, unhappy with the person they are with, confused, not sure if there is a way out. I felt all those things for a long time until I started making my way out. Emotionally, financially…. Sometimes two people just gotta go. For their sake, for the sake of their children. Sometimes happy parents apart are better than lifeless, angry parents together. It’s never an easy decision, but I think taking your time to make it, without emotions, using logic, can help make the right one.
I want to write about it in a way that would help other women going through the same decision making process, but I am concerned about giving away too much that would hurt the other party. I do not know where to draw that line, so I am staying somewhat vague.
It’s not worth it to spend your life with someone who you don’t love and who doesn’t make you happy, for any reason, financial, kids, social stigma, etc
I would rather be alone.
And it’s not good to be with someone who doesn’t love you. Because everyone deserves being loved.
Many people were confused, we seemed so happy together. And we were for many years. With lots of ups and downs. But in the last 2-3 years. there was a deep seated feeling that just grew and grew and became clear once the divorce option came into focus.
That being said, I still love Andrew as Lexi’s dad, even though I might disagree with him on a lot of things. We are still very alike ( as much as we are different). He is an excellent dad to Lexi and our parenting styles match really well. He loves Lexi more than anything in this world and that means a universe to me. I want to be friends and help him and spend time with our daughter together. I just can’t be in it in a romantic way. I hope that we can grow our friendship even further when the dust settles, because as long as he doesn’t have hard feelings, I would love to care about him as a friend and Lexi’s dad.
What I can say to those going through the thoughts or the process and needing support is it’s ok. It really is. Whether the decision is mutual, or one of you is leaving, it is for the best. There is no reason to be with a person who you do not love, or with a person who does not love you. There is always a better way. Take your time. Listen to your feelings. Prepare for your new life if needed and most importantly, try and do it amicably. I know it’s not always possible or in your control. It’s not bad, it’s just a fact of life. Things change, people change, feelings change. We all just want to be happy and need to find that happiness.
Just heads up for everyone: I realize you probably have a million questions and comments. I know many of you had for months now. As much as I would love to answer them, this will be the only post about this matter. I really really want to just pour my heart out on the blog about every detail of the separation and things that frustrate me and things that make me happy. But I can’t. It’s public and I don’t want anyone’s feelings hurt. I just wanted to officially talk about it now that we finally got around to filing our divorce papers. By around August we expect it all to be complete. We didn’t need lawyers, we agreed on everything, so now off to make our new lives. In the future, I might touch on co-parenting and such, but right now while things are still fresh, I would rather respect Andrew’s privacy and not say too much.
I will not answer questions, comment on the matter. I do not want any negativity around this change, I’ve been consistent in that I am a positive person and don’t tolerate negativity around me. I do not want any condolences, because this change is a good change. I do not need any advice because it’s no one’s place to give it without being asked. And I cannot give any advice because every situation is different and it is not MY place to give it, as much as I would like to help others. If you feel like you want to say something or extend support to both of us, say “I wish you happiness and glad you did what is best for all three of you”. That is all I need. I wish I could do more but it is a touchy subject and it is best if it’s not carried away with. Thank you for respecting that 🙂
If you do wish to say something, send me a personal email. I can’t promise I will respond but I will read it 🙂 contact at prebabyblog dot com
We will be moving soon and we are still traveling a lot, so I am going to continue trying to post here regularly even though life is temporarily going to get busy. (keyword try)
Lexi has just started summer camp which will give both of us some time to get caught up, which I am excited about.
I wanted to say Thank you for following our family throughout the years. I appreciate all the supporters. I will continue writing about our new lives and loves and adventures. I am not sure if I will be open about my personal romantic life, as not everyone is okay with being in public like that but I am sure you will see updates and pictures on social media. Things are just getting to be interesting….
I will be sharing more of my and Lexi life together, our search for a new house, our travels, about her school, our routines, my favorite things, her favorite things, my parenting, my struggles, everything and anything involved. I will be writing about fitness and nutrition and personal growth and improvement I have been big on. Things that help and hinder me. Everything I struggle with and my little wins. Work more with my favorite brands to bring you giveaways and freebies. Do more regular series of different posts. I am excited! Excited to share more. (Now that Lexi is in school, I will have more time)
Feel free to follow us on social media as well, of course! 😉